For Whom the Douche Tolls: Roger Clemens
BUMP! The Rocket weighs in on the “dushbag” media as some of his email correspondence with Brian McNamee is released. Nice 22.
Let me first confess, that I have never particularly liked Roger Clemens. Since the first time I laid eyes on his rookie card, my young brain sensed that there was something profoundly douchey about this cocky young lantern-jawed ballplayer. Throughout the 80’s he cultivated a reputation as an intimidating tough guy, whose intensity on the mound seemed almost personal, such as the infamous bat throwing episode with Mike Piazza during the 2000 World Series. And don’t EVEN bring up his asking out of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series. We all know Billy Bucker was the goat of that game right?
Rather than discuss his career as a Yankee, I will only refer to the photograph below as exhibit A as evidence of his serial douchbaggery in the Big Apple:
Yes, there has always been something shifty and mercenary about the career of Roger Clemens, a man who has made going to the highest bidder sound like a homecoming. In sport, where such straightfaced pronoucements are commonplace, Clemens went the extra mile when he trotted out his family as the deciding factor when signing his record-setting 4 year $31.1 million deal with Toronto in 1996:
“I’ve always enjoyed this city,” Clemens, 34, said in his gentle Texas twang. “When we came here for the All-Star Game (in 1991), obviously playing here, my wife and my boys have loved this area. That was the most important factor.”
Clemens said fans have always been gracious toward him when he’d go out for dinner after games, when he hit the links (he’s a five handicap) and when he was at the ballpark. Hey, Canada, politeness pays.
Another factor was that the Jays are only too happy to let him bring his kids (he has four, Koby, 10, Kary, 8, Kacy, 2, and Kody, seven months, all starting with K, the letter used in baseball scoring to indicate a strikeout) onto the SkyDome carpet to bang the ball around on game days.
“I wanted it to be Roger’s call but if it had been New York we probably wouldn’t have come to the ballpark an awful lot,” said his wife, Debbie. “We would’ve lived in Connecticut and watched TV.”
Toronto Star, 14 December 1996
“If I was single, maybe New York,” admitted Clemens yesterday. “Nothing against New York, but I can’t see me going out at 2 p.m. and playing catch with my boys out on the field there.”
Debbie insists the Rocket is a great dad, but that doesn’t stop him from maintaining some of his image while with the kids. Back when Koby and Kory were small, the family would reportedly act out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle episodes. Roger’s role? He played Shredder, the Turtle’s enemy.
When he’s not playing with the kids, Clemens is working out.
Toronto Sun 14 December 1996
Fast forward to 2008 and fill in the blank. When he’s not playing with the kids, Clemens is ____________.
The New Jersey Daily Trentonian hit the nail on the head with its 14 December 2007 headline: “He Took it in the Butt.” Yes, the steroid scandal that has erupted around “Shredder” only demonstrates the pain he has suffered in his quest for greatness and now an unfeeling world has somehow turned his selfless sacrifice into a gaudy scarlet A. But let us not feel too much pity for dear Roger, who has the moral support of the first family of America, whose patriarch George H.W. Bush “found me in a deer blind in south Texas and expressed his concerns that this was unbelievable, and stay strong and hold your head up high.” Winged words indeed.
As Republican members of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform grooved easy questions to Clemens during his appearance, the Rocket Man waxed emotional, reiterating that “my family is and has always been my top priority,” while also adding, for good measure, that “I have had the privilege and honor to visit our troops in Kuwait, Qatar, and Afghanistan and salute them as our nation’s true role models.” What? You thought this hearing was about steroids? No, this is about a man teetering on the edge of a messy public self-douching. “If I am guilty of anything, it is of being too trusting of others; wanting to see the best in everyone; and being nice to everyone. If I am considered to be ignorant because of that, then so be it.”
Rest easy, Roger, you are not ignorant, but if you thought a scorched earth defense again Brian McNamee was a good idea, perhaps you trusted your lawyer and your high and inside fastball a bit too much. Once you started playing hardball the my-family-is-everything defense has blown up in your face. Do not ask for whom the douche tolls, Rocket Man, it tolls for thee.
Roger Clemens Doucheroll:
- Wannabe Texan
- Spokesman for a car dealership
- Former New York Yankee
- Reported serial adulterer
- All his kids’ names begin with the same letter “K” (Bonus: in honor of his many strikeouts)
- Reported user of performance enhancers
