I Hate What You Just Said

I encountered a book at my local Barnes and Nobel today entitled 48 Liberal Lies About American History: (That You Probably Learned in School) by one professor Larry Schweikart of the University of Dayton (no, not Tennessee — Ohio).

It was a fascinating read.

Did you know, for instance, that Columbus didn’t kill any Indians? And that the Puritans weren’t the theocratic haters of Indians that they’re made out to be? In fact, they actually used the surplus agriculture they got from their capitalistic farming practices to aid the “hapless” Indians. A Thanksgiving/Free Market miracle! Those stories of genocidal campaigns are just absurd chimeras cooked up by “arugula-eating, pointy-headed-professor types” and Obama voters who hate America.

One of my favorite chapters is the story of how Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction actually were in Iraq before the war. Schweikart’s explanation of how they were all whisked away, right before US troops arrived, is a real tour de force. Oh, and Saddam Hussein? Completely in league with al-Qaeda.

Basically, everything you (and virtually all really smart people) know about American history is wrong. Unless, of course, that thing you believe is an hallucination that casts conservatives in a positive light. Then it’s true.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Ok, Larry, but how do I know what books to buy? I don’t want my child to encounter the evil falsehoods of liberalism. I don’t have a Ph.D! How do I know which books have lies and which books don’t?”

Have no fear. Larry has a simple, easy to remember test: the Reagan Pregnancy Textbook Test. Parents, watch this video, and learn.

Incidentally, it’s always good to hear an historian say, “well, I had to stretch that one.”

UPDATE:

You can learn more about this intrepid iconoclast at the University of Dayton’s website. I learned, for example, that prior to the academy, Larry “was a rock drummer for several bands, one of which reached the big-time concert level as the opening act for Steppenwolf . . .”

Larry also says that his “future plans include winning a Pulitzer and writing a history of media bias in the United States.”

I can’t wait.